I have always been obsessed with relationships.
Short-lived romances, situationships, long-term relationships, full-blown marriages, you name it — love in all its forms occupies about 85% of my brain space on any given day. And although I make a living talking about food and health on the internet, what I really love DM-ing about with my community is their relationships (ironically, relationships are perhaps the greatest indicator of overall health… we’ll talk about that later).
And although I love hearing about all of the things that make a union work (I’m the friend who wants to know all the intimate details about my friends’ partnerships — their fights, makeup patterns, sex, finances, etc.), what interests me more is how we often go into relationships with the best of intentions, only to see them fall apart over time.
It’s no secret that the divorce rate in the US is well over 50% — but on top of that dismal statistic, I often think about all of the unhappy relationships that stay together for various reasons: for their kids, or due to financial constraints, or because of religious beliefs. When we add that cohort to the mix, I’d guess we’re talking well over 70% of Americans find themselves either divorced or in passionless, empty relationships.
And despite knowing all of this, we still willingly sign up for these relationships and oftentimes center our entire existence around them. As a romantic, I’d like to think this is less due to the fact that we’re a lonely and needy species; and more attributable to the idea that when you hit the relationship jackpot, it’s like winning the lottery — rare, but undeniably worth playing the game.
We’ve all seen those relationships that have stood the test of time where the couple, despite all odds, seem like they still really love and like one another. Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn (40 years), Faith Hill and Tim McGraw (27 years), Pauletta and Denzel Washington (40 years), Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen (28 years), my dad’s parents who were together for almost 60 years before they died a year apart (I remember my dad telling us that my grandmother died of “a broken heart” after she lost my grandfather).
Many of us witness these relationships and think, “What’s their secret?” — and after spending over half my existence thinking about it, I have come up with a few guesses.
Which brings me to an important disclaimer: I’m no expert here. The following thoughts and ideas are merely simple tips I’ve picked up from countless books, hours of conversations with my friends (and many of you), becoming intimate with my parent’s divorce, and ending a few relationships of my own. I can’t guarantee that these pointers are perfect, but I can guarantee they will bring you closer to a Kurt/Goldie type of relationship than further away.
So, without further ado, let’s dive in.